Dear Parents Everywhere

Dear Parents Everywhere,

I no longer have young children, but once a mom, always a mom. Now that I don't have little ones to fret over, I worry about other people's children.

I think too many children these days are living in a grown-up world they are not physically, emotionally or socially ready for. I have never believed that children need to be cocooned away from the world.  If we wall them up in fortresses where they are never exposed to reality, they will never learn to deal with reality.  However, I believe young children should have access to very small doses of reality, not given adult doses.  We don’t give children adult doses of medicine because their bodies cannot handle it.  Yet daily, children are consuming adult doses of a world they are not ready for. This world invades them in their own homes and schools and playgrounds, through the screens of multiple devices, through adult conversations and through exposure to adult-themed entertainment and news.

I was not a perfect parent, and looking back, there are many things I wish I had done differently.  One thing I wish I had done a better job of was to limit the amount of adult information, adult conversations and adult content my children were exposed to. Most of us grow in wisdom as we age and thankfully, I am no exception.  And luckily, there are a few things I did as a parent that I believe helped my children grow into the well-adjusted, thoughtful, kind and responsible adults that they are today.

They were simple things, things that were not hard to do, and I would like to share those things with today’s parents because I think all children deserve to start life in world that is child-sized, a world they can grow into gradually as they were meant to.

One thing I did with my children was to establish very simple routines.  Children (and adults!) thrive on routines.  Routines build confidence and trust.  Routines are like rest stops on a long journey. Routines are like lighthouses among the storms of daily life.  The events of life can be chaotic and confusing, especially for children.  They need to learn to trust that no matter what happens during any day, there will always be simple, calm moments when they know exactly what will happen next and exactly what to do.

Morning routines are especially important because they set the tone for the day.  Families can set their own routines, depending on their lifestyles, but I still think simple, old routines are best.  They are tried and true. Getting up at a set time every day, washing faces, brushing teeth and hair, getting dressed for the day, making their beds and having breakfast, preferably with their grown-ups, is not a complicated routine, but it is a fundamentally important one. This routine helps children to feel prepared for the day ahead and is a routine they can stick to for the rest of their lives.

A dinner time routine is also extremely important.  I know that today’s families are rushed and busy, but having a meal together at least a few times a week, free of screens and phones, where children can discuss the day’s events with their grown-ups serves as a mini-counseling session.  Children can vent their frustrations and triumphs and their grown-ups can provide a listening ear and give gentle advice and encouragement. 

Dinner does not have to be a big home cooked meal, but nutrition for children is important.  Simple, healthy food is important for their growing bodies, but it is even more important for their developing minds. Children love carbs, as most of us do, but fresh fruit, vegetables and protein will power their bodies and minds in a way that simple carbs can’t. Diets high in sugar and simple carbs cause erratic highs and lows in blood sugar which can and does affect children’s behavior and their ability to focus and regulate their emotions. Strange as it may seem, a healthy, balanced diet not only helps children physically and emotionally, but also socially. A child whose energy rises and crashes throughout the day is going to result in a child whose mood and behavior is erratic and difficult to regulate.

A bed- time routine is as essential for children as it is for adults as it ends the day on a positive note.  Even if there is no time for a daily shower or bath, children need to wash the day away in some manner, just as adults do.  Washing faces and hands, brushing hair and teeth is soothing and adding an extra touch like rubbing on some lavender lotion or foot cream is a an easy way to give a child a gentle end to the day.  Bedtime stories were an essential part of my routine with our kids and to this day I think all those piles of bedtime books and made up stories instilled in my kids a love for reading and sparked their imaginations. 

Routines are important, but if I had to name one thing that I think is most important for a child’s mental and physical well-being (aside from a strong connection to their grown-ups), it would be time in nature.

Nature heals and study and after study shows that time spent in nature serves as a natural anti-depressant and anti-anxiety remedy.  My children were outside nearly every day, no matter what the weather. They learned to love both the sun and the rain, to feel free in the wind, to appreciate the changing seasons and to form a connection with nature’s plants, trees and creatures.  Giving children time outdoors gives them a deep sense of connection to the earth and a sense of belonging on this planet. 

The challenges of navigating rocks and hills and streams, the thrill of climbing, the freedom of running all inspire children to navigate the other challenges life will throw their way.  Life is full of difficult terrain and oddly enough, climbing hills, digging holes, wading through puddles, and building shelters from rocks and sticks can build life skills that children can use in in the challenging world of relationships and careers they will someday face. They will learn to overcome obstacles, to be resilient and brave. They will learn how to seek safe spaces for themselves and if no safe space is available, how to build one.

Respect for animals, birds and insects can lead to respect for people, including those that are difficult or aggressive or injured and weak - and we all know the world is full of such people.

Staring at the moon and the stars can inspire children to see the big picture of life, to live in awe of the vastness and beauty of it.  Collecting leaves and flowers and pebbles encourages children to notice all of life’s little details and helps them to realize that little things matter and that there is beauty in the ordinary if they pay attention to it. Outdoor play not only burns excessive energy, it blows away negativity and stagnation. The whole outdoor world is a giant, ever-changing sensory station. You will never have to add or subtract things from it and there is no entrance fee. You don't even have to vacuum or mop out there, so children can be as messy as they want!

I believe that children need simplicity, nature and routines as much as they need food, water and shelter.  Parenting is hard, but focusing on the simple things can help make it much easier and more manageable and joyful for both parents and kids.

Children have little bodies and little minds but big spirits. I think the best way to raise a child is to carefully ration what goes into their bodies and minds and to let their spirits be as free and unencumbered by adult burdens as possible.

Someday, if we are lucky, their bodies and minds will catch up to their spirits and they will grow into the kind of adults we can leave the world to with confidence and joy.

And then, what a wonderful world it will be.

Love,

Karen

Once A Mom, Always A Mom